Homophobia (of an Unexpected Kind)

The other week, I was lucky enough to be invited to a friend’s wedding and it was absolutely first class. The wine was flowing, the chat poured forth and the music was decanted effortlessly.

To have a rest from our crazy dancing (we were partying hard), myself and one of the other guests took a seat at the downstairs bar, away from the music upstairs. We ended up chatting to the barman who, on the surface, seemed a very pleasant chap. He was telling us about the local area, the celebrities he had served in the past and humouring our weird sense of humour. (I would like to point out here that I was completely and utterly sober).

We ended up talking about sexuality, as it inevitably comes up in good conversation, and I professed that I was homoromantic – sex doesn’t bother me, but a loving relationship does (and a good snog every now and again never goes amiss).

At this point, said barman says “No dude, that’s not right… I reckon that says something quite dark about your mind.”


Firstly, you’ve only known me for, well, less than five minutes, so it’s great that you’re so judgmental. Secondly, just because I don’t conform to the norm when it comes to sexuality does *not* mean that I have a dark and twisted mind. Just because you don’t understand it, doesn’t mean it is automatically and immediately insidious. And thirdly, I’m sorry – I didn’t realise that there was a right and wrong buzzer when it came to sexuality. Well that’s me gone out in the first round.

It was the first slur I’ve had against me since realising I was homoromantic and whilst it’s water off a duck’s back, the insensitivity with which it was said, really grips me. Talk about it. You never know dude, you may actually learning something.


2 thoughts on “Homophobia (of an Unexpected Kind)

  1. What I find really telling about the exchange is that you (theoretically) weren’t even talking about SEX. Just romance. So clearly when people say they don’t have a problem with gay people, just what they DO, that’s not true at all. They really do have a problem with the love side of things as well. Disgusting.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I completely agree- it’s not that people have a problem with gay sex. It’s that they have a problem with anything that isn’t entirely heteronormative, and that includes having sex itself.

      And the implication that being homoromantic (i.e. not sexual) means that there’s something wrong with your mind is absolutely appalling. There is NOTHING wrong with you.

      And he reckons? How DARE he assume that he has the right to pass judgement? Such a classic example of heterosexual privilege passing judgement on queer experiences.

      So sorry that this happened to you A.


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